7 days of weird romance
by Improbabile
Summary: For the Batman/Joker week challenge on Tumblr. Contains Batman/Joker slash, sexual innuendos/content in some chapters and violence in some doses. Rating and prompt on summary of each chapter
1. First kiss

**"Author'"s note: **Well hello Batman fandom, what a pleasure to annoy you too. I figured that instead of going on with my SPN fanfic I could participate to the Batman/Joker week (which you can find on Tumblr) and so here I am. I've never read the comics, just watched Nolan's movies and some of the animated series, so I apologize if I put some awful mistakes along the way. Not betaed, so the general level of this lowers even more but oh, who cares. Hope you enjoy anyway

**Prompt: _First kiss_**

**Chapter's rating: K+  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: **Batman is note mine

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><p>Bruce hid behind a container. Less than two seconds later a small bomb exploded, not big enough to even damage the metal barrier but still really dangerous, since that the madman who built it had put nails in it. Bruce had already witnessed what those things did and he wanted anything but to end up in the middle of one of them blowing up. He wasn't sure how did they work, all he knew was that they gave out a recorded laughter as only warning and then exploded five seconds after they were triggered.<p>

He heard voices coming his way, alerted by the explosion. Just what he needed, someone else to fight. They probably weren't really good, like all the others Bruce had already knocked out, but they were a fucking lot. Bruce went on the closest container's top, hoping that the position could give him some kind of advantage.

It was all Joker's fault, as usual. Well, not all his, but in great part it was. The relationship between him and the mafia had been terrible since he first arrived in Gotham, but these days it was worst than ever. So after a long list of reciprocal insults and getting in each other's way (mostly done by Joker, of course) the mafia had had enough and decided to openly declare war to the clown. Joker had accepted, and for some unknown reason both parts had decided that the port was the perfect place to destroy each other.

Bruce stayed still as some men of the mafia walked below him. They were five, all heavily armed. They walked around a bit, searching for a body. Finally, one of them shot in the air, quickly followed by a couple others.

«We know you're up there Batman!» one of them screamed. It was clear they wanted to look intimidating, but Bruce didn't buy it. If they'd been Joker's men maybe he could have believed them, they were usually too crazy to be scared of anything if they joined the clown, but mafia feared him. If not the bosses, at least the small pieces did.

«C'mon you freak, come out!» another said. Bruce didn't move. They looked easy to take out, he just needed to be careful about the weapons. He waited until they started to relax, before jumping down between them. He took them by surprise, making them scramble and earning enough time to disarm two before they could even try to raise their guns against him. Soon they were all lying on the ground, Batman not even panting. He would have tied them, but he didn't have time. The police was trying to sedate the conflict, too, but they had no real chance to get to Joker. If he didn't stop them, things could go on for far longer than this.

He had to be careful about every move he made. The mafia had put men everywhere, but they weren't what worried him. Joker's men weren't either, they were far less and not any stronger. It was Joker's traps that made him paranoid. Bombs filled with nails, Smilex, structures made to collapse over people, it was wonder how the clown managed to put them all in place in so little time. He still had to find on single reason for which Joker had accepted to do this thing; but then again, understanding the clown's thinking process was beyond his capability. He was probably just bored and decided that this thing could be funny. Damn him, couldn't he just keep on with his stupid robberies and ignore the proposition? Bruce pointedly ignored the part of him that was suggesting he might be worrying for Joker's safety, refusing to admit he felt the smallest trace of affection for that lunatic.

The sound of an explosion caught his attention. He ran out of the warehouse he was in and moved in that direction, hoping he could find someone there. The SWAT team glared at him, but didn't try to stop him, being smart enough to know he was the best choice in handling the Joker. Bruce glanced up at the sky, which was becoming of a lighter shade of blue by the minute. Sunrise was in about twenty minutes, and for some reason it upset him. He spent one second wondering when he stopped being scared of bats and became scared of the daylight, but only one second. Another bomb had just blown up near the first. He ran faster, the noise coming from a group of containers that looked like they were just pulled off the ship.

Joker was running and jumping around, giggling and making strange noises and shooting at everyone in sight. The man was a damn good shooter, his bullets hitting everyone who wasn't quick enough to hide. A dozen men were lying dead or wounded, and with each hit Joker's apparent happiness increased. Batman shook his head, reminding whatever part of him even thought about liking the Joker that the man was a psychopath.

Bruce's caught a movement in his peripheral vision. A sniper crouching on the top of a container was aiming a rifle straight at Joker's head, the clown too busy with killing people to notice the threat. Bruce acted before thinking, coming up behind the sniper and getting him in a headlock. The man tried to struggle to free himself, but Bruce was stronger and the sniper ended up unconscious. He let the man down slowly on the metal surface, but the weapon fell to the ground, the sound alerting Joker. The clown turned towards Batman, his smile widening.

«Thanks for that Batsy, would you like to help me taking care of this or you prefer to just sit and enjoy the show?» he asked, absent-mindedy shooting someone with a clown mask on his face.

«You took on killing your men again» Bruce commented, jumping down some meters away from the madman. The Joker shrugged.

«I don't need them anymore, and besides paying attention to who you're killing it's boring» the clown hid behind a container and then fired, a cry of pain coming from somewhere Bruce couldn't see. Batman turned around, hearing someone coming from behind him. He avoided a bullet and then tore the gun from the man's hand, throwing it to the ground. A blow to the head and the imprudent sniper was out cold.

«You're coming with me» Bruce growled, aware that if he managed to separate Joker from the rest this would be easily over. The SWAT could take care of everyone, apart for the psychopath in front of him, of course.

«I'm a little busy right now darling, can you wait a minute? Oh, right, you bats don't like the sun much» Bruce ignored the comment (and especially the "darling") and ran toward the Joker. They both hid behind a container to not get shot. Bruce gripped Joker's arm.

«It's not open for discussions. I'm taking you away now»

«Aw, worried for me?» Joker asked, batting his eyelashes. Once again, Bruce ignored the comment that struck too close to home for his liking. He was about to say something, but then stopped. The shooting had stopped. Joker must have noticed that too, because he made a move of turning around, but got stopped by Bruce's grip «Would you please let me go before I put a bullet in your-» someone was running their way. As soon as the man came out from behind the container, the clown shot him in his chest.

«Joker» Batman growled, taking the gun from him and tossing it away.

«How many times do I have to tell you, I do what I want!» Joker interrupted, clearly expecting a lecture on why he shouldn't kill others. And he was going to get it, possibly by having his head smashed the closest wall, but right now all Batman saw was the grenade in the dead man's hand.

«Move!» he said, tugging Joker's arm. The grenade exploded before he could get them to safety, so all he did was somehow putting himself between Joker and the explosion.

When it wore out, Bruce was feeling like shit. His right ear hurt, and he knew for experience he probably wouldn't hear things very well for some days. His armor had protected him from most of the impact, but he was sure he had many scratches on his face and that at home he'd find a lot of bruises. Alfred would not be amused. He blinked twice. Looking to his left, he saw Joker. The clown was lying on his back, gasping for air. Despite himself, Bruce moved as fast as he could to check on the clown. He seemed to have problems breathing, but it was a normal reaction if he had hit the ground with his back. He was covered in cuts and bruises, but they were just minor injuries.

«Well that wasn't very nice» Joker coughed, trying to even his breath. Bruce heard footsteps coming their way. He got up and made the Joker stand too. The clown was half-leaning against him, so Batman put an arm around his waist and carried them both away. Bruce threw some smoke bombs behind them to confound their chasers, which were a bit less effective in the twilight but still worked. Joker of course wasn't doing anything to help him, but he didn't care. Only when they got to the nearest warehouse and Bruce got them on the roof, relatively safe from the bullets, he let go of the jester.

«So nice of you to giving me a lift Batsy» Joker commented.

«I didn't do that for you. It was just the quickest way to stop this» Bruce responded. He looked down the roof, seeing various police officers running with their guns in hand. They could take care of the rest, Bruce mused.

«The denial phase, lovely» Joker chuckled and Bruce bit the inside of his cheek, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. He was Batman, dammit, not some kind of blushing schoolgirl speaking with her crush for the first time. And Joker was so not his crush, point «It's been nice, but now I have to go. Wouldn't want to keep you out too long past your bedtime»

«You're not going anywhere but Arkham» Bruce stepped in front of Joker, making the clown sigh.

«Oh, come on! Why do you even bother, I wonder. I mean, I got out of there so many times I could find the way blindfolded» seeing as Batman moved to catch him, Joker stepped aside and pulled out a knife. Bruce avoided the blade and tried to punch the clown. Joker prevented him with a laugh. They were both tired from the night, and Bruce just hoped he would get over with this quickly.

Joker managed to avoid all of Batman's blows easily, while Bruce had problems moving aside fast enough to not be stabbed. It was like all of the soreness for tonight's efforts just came over him, making his muscles aching and slow. The only way he had to finish this was taking the Joker by surprise, but it looked like the jester was foreseeing all of his moves. There was an option which always worked in these cases, but Bruce was a bit reluctant to use it. But when the knife was thrown at him and he barely managed to not having it hit him, he decided it wasn't the moment to hesitate.

Bruce got close to the Joker, and moved like he was trying to headbutt him. But instead of hitting him, he changed trajectory at the last moment and kissed him. Full on the lips. The clown froze under him for a second, before moaning and responding to the kiss. Bruce let himself feel just how good it felt, his lips moving toghter with Joker's, before using Joker's distraction to his advantage and twisting the man's arm behind his back, parting them. Joker gasped and then chuckled as Bruce handcuffed him with his hands behind his back.

«Good strategy Batman, good strategy» the clown said «But you know, I think a couple cops down there saw you kissing me, very nicely by the way. Not worried about your reputation?» Bruce glanced down to see some officers looking up, jaw basically hitting the ground.

«Not much, really» he paused for a moment, and then added, «You're not a bad kisser either» Joker started laughing hysterically as Bruce took him down and consigned him to the shocked officers, his maniacal laughter not stopping until he was out of Bruce's hearing range, the man wondering if he maybe he could pull that move on Joker again someday.

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><p><strong>Final note: <strong>the kiss-thing actually works, guys. A guy I know kissed someone he was having a discussion with and the other was so shocked he couldn't come up with anything else to say/do.


	2. A padded room for two

**"Author'"s note: **second day, I had no clue for what to write for this prompt so I did this half-angsty thing. Not sure it makes much sense but I hope it does. No beta reader, all mistakes are mine and blah blah blah

**Disclaimer: **Batman's not mine.

**Prompt: A**_** padded room for two**_

**Rating: M**

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><p>People were talking around him. No doubts on what they were saying, so he decided not to listen to them. <em>Monster. Freak. Murderer.<em> Bruce ignored it all. He didn't care about what people said. Not anymore.

Rachel's death had left him destroyed. If he hadn't been able to save her nor Dent, he couldn't save anyone else. At first, he tried to shove the costume in a corner and stick to his playboy life. He soon understood he couldn't do that. Batman was something more than a symbol, more than the excuse to help others his other identity had been at first. It was his _addiction_. More powerful than drugs, or alcohol, or anything else. He burned with the need of putting on the suit and come back to his old-other self. And there wasn't a dethox group for it. So, after not even a month, he had put on his armor once again and gone back to his defender of justice routine. That was when things really started going downhill.

He hadn't been able to save the life of the one person he cared most in this world. Then why should he make the effort for those who didn't deserve it? Even Dent, who was the most honest person he had ever met, in the end had became just another face in the big group of criminals. An horribly scarred face, but still one between so many more. Once you get touched by that kind of madness, he thought, there's no coming back. He never thought he himself could be victim of the same madness.

One day, he threatened one man with a batrang to his throat. He whimpered and begged, desperate for mercy despite his crimes. His face was ugly, contorted by the fear, so uglier than any other face Batman ever saw, even Dent's. He cut the man's throat, putting an end to his worthless life. He grinned as the blood hit his chest. His first thought was that if this was the face people made when they died, he saw why Joker liked to kill them.

After that, many had followed. The media called him sick, sadist and who knows how many other things. He didn't care. Alfred tried reasoning with him, and at first Bruce felt guilty, but not sorry. He felt guilty for letting the only person in this world he still considered family down. He didn't have any reasons to feel sorry for that _scum_. In the end, the old butler stopped trying. He stopped talking with him at all. A polite greeting and asking if he needed anything from him was all Alfred said to him. It hurt at first. Not much, but it did. Then... nothing. Again.

Killing was the only way he had to feel something nowadays. Even being Batman didn't give him that excitement it used to, like a drug you have used for so long you stop feeling the good side of, but you keep taking just to avoid an abstinence crisis. Killing was his new high. The criminals... they couldn't be saved, they were too rotten, too broken, too far gone to be fixed in any way. Getting rid of them was the only solution that could work. They were insects. Being a bat, it was only logical that he should get rid of them.

The first time he saw the face of the Joker on the news, he wanted to throw up. And then to laugh. Or cry. He wasn't sure which one. He had to be wearing some strange expression on his face, because Alfred called him a few times before he finally turned towards him, worry on the butler's face. He hadn't noticed how old Alfred looked these days. Bruce didn't care. He just cared about the fact that Joker was here, in Gotham, and he would catch him.

When they finally met, it was after Bruce had killed over ten of Joker's men. He wasn't sure how many, he lost count after eight. The clown was leaning against a wall, clear amusement on his painted face. He was playing abstent-mindedly with some cards, his head tilted to one side as if he was mocking him. Bruce had thought many times at how he would feel about meeting the Joker again - and now he knew. Angry. Hateful. Desperate. Relieved, even. _Aroused._

«Well Batman, seems like you broke that one rule you cared so much about» were Joker's first words. He didn't stop playing with his deck. Batman felt some kind of anger towards those cards too. More like jealousy, actually. He deserved the Joker's full attention, he didn't want to share it with some cards. A part of him wondered when did he start caring about getting Joker's attention. Oh, well.

«I'm only doing what it's right. Cleaning the world from this dirt. And you are the next» he replied, walking straight to the clown. The corners of Joker's mouth - the natural ones - turned upwards. He licked his lips.

«Are you sure it will be so easy? I mean, you can go on and kill me if you want, but then when will you find those hostages I wonder? Before or after they'll be all dead by asphyxiation?» Joker mused, a pout on his lips. Batman stopped.

«What hostages?» he growled. Right now, he would pretty much let them die, no matter who they were, in favor of brutally murdering Joker, but that little of conscience he still listened to told him that they were innocent people, not deserving to die. The Joker laughed.

«Oh Batsy, you haven't changed that much. I'm glad» he said, letting the cards fall from his hands. There were red stains on the clown's fingers, Bruce realized, and on his purple suit.

«Whose blood is that?» Joker chuckled as he moved closer to Batman.

«Does it matter? As far as I can see, you're not in a better state than me» his dark eyes ran on the Bat's suit, blood not yet fully dried. By his tone, it was clear he wasn't referring just to the stains.

«I am better than you» Batman growled. Joker laughed - his maniac laughter echoing through the rooms of the abandoned palace they were in. He went straight into Batman's personal space, their chests bumping against each other's.

«No, you're not. You're like me» he whispered. He got up on his toes, so his face millimeters away from Bruce's ear was under the cowl «We're the same Batsy. We complete each other, we're both pieces that have been so twisted and broken we cannot fit with anything else than each other. And you know it. You needed your other half» and then Batman pulled the Joker's green painted hair, and smashed their mouths togheter, in a kiss that was just teeth biting at each other's lips and tongues moving hungrily. Bruce could taste Joker's face paint, and blood after he bit sharply at the clown's lower lip, and then his own as he was bitten in turn.

Joker moaned as Batman squeezed his bicep so hard it had to leave bad bruises, and then he pushed the clown on his knees, making him hit the ground so hard he could hear the sound of it. He fumbled a bit to open the lower part of his suit, to free his half-hard cock and shoved in Joker's mouth. To his credit, the jester was really good at that, swallowing him whole without even gagging. Bruce had the feeling Joker could give him the best blowjob of his whole life, but he didn't want to wait and find out. Instead, he gripped the clown's hair tightly and started fucking his mouth, moaning as Joker swallowed around him. He could see the clown's left hand opening the purple trousers and starting to pump on his own erection, and the groans that reverberated through Joker's throat felt great. The clown's other hand came on his hip, gripping tightly as if he needed to be stabilized.

Bruce didn't bother to warn as he came, Joker gagging for a moment. He didn't think about hot models, or nice porns he had seen, or even Rachel, but rather about how utterly _great_ Joker looked like that, kneeling, saliva running down his chin and ruining his already awful make-up. The clown came soon after him panting and laughing hysterically. Bruce wondered if he ever stopped doing that as he sat on the ground, knees to weak after his orgasms to sustain himself.

«Well, that was nice» the jester said after a minute, voice hoarse. He tucked himself back in his pants and stand. Bruce noticed with a vague sense of satisfaction that the clown looked a bit out of balance «You know what Batsy? You're still so easy to play with» a chuckle «There are no hostages to save this time» Joker walked away, past him and out of the room, as Bruce sat there, regaining his breath.

He didn't know if Joker's sentence meant he had took no hostages, or that the blood on his hands was theirs and he had already killed them in some horrible manner. For some reason, Bruce started to laugh, feeling awful and great at the same time. He had just fucked Joker's mouth and then let him go like that - and he wanted to do that again and again and again. Wanted to see Joker screaming in pleasure and pain, begging him, wanted Joker to understand that his place was so far below him he wasn't sure that with all of his technologies he could ever go to a place so deep underneath. He briefly thought that if this was what madness felt like, he could understand why Joker seemed to like it so much. It didn't even cross his mind that maybe this wasn't right, because it sure as hell felt so.

The fact that the paladin of justice and the worst psychopath in Gotham were having an affair was soon discovered. Bruce wasn't sure how the media found it out, but soon everyone knew. Everyone was talking about them, saying that this was a sign Batman had completely snapped. And Bruce was amused. He liked fucking Joker - he liked hurting him, even more than he liked killing, and apparently Joker loved the treatment too, if his screams were anything to go by.. He wasn't willing to change anything just because some media said it was wrong. Even better, he knew Joker had the time of his life hurting him too, playing with him; and for some reason he started to enjoy it too.

A part of him was telling him that this was wrong. He would even dream of it, another himself telling him to stop this thing. And it was funny because everyone presumed Batman had snapped - when in reality, Batman was that part that still held some sanity. Batman was something that couldn't be corrupted, a being devoted only to justice and honesty. Bruce Wayne, that was another story. He chose to ignore the let's-be-correct-and-merciful Batman part, and was pleased to notice it soon started to fade. Until only Bruce Wayne was left, but now it wasn't like before, when Bruce was a mask and Batman his real self. Now both Batman and Bruce were fakes, and the _real_ Bruce Wayne - or Batman, he didn't really have a name for that identity - was the one that came out when he was with Joker.

They fell into some kind of routine, him and the clown. Joker would do something wrong, Batman would come and kill his men, beat him until they were both hard in their pants and then fuck him, and then Joker would go away and Batman would do nothing to stop him. Sometimes they would talk for a couple moments after coming. Bruce discovered he had started to actually enjoy Joker's humor. He could see it now what Joker said for all this time, they completed each other. It wasn't exactly love - he doubted Joker even felt such an emotion, and he still hated the clown too much to love him. But it worked. Joker never questioned him, never asked him anything, and Bruce felt himself go crazier and at the same time less caring about others every day. And it was the best thing he could ever dream of.

It was Alfred who gave him away in the end. The butler couldn't bear Bruce's broken mental state anymore, or so he said between the tears as the policemen took him away. Bruce was too shocked by the betrayal to actually try to escape. Alfred had called the police while he was out, keeping up his fake playboy identity, and showed them all the Batcave and what it contained. He was crying openly when Bruce's hands were shoved behind his back and he was handcuffed. The butler said something about being sorry, about he would never forgive himself for not having stopped him when he could instead of letting him into this madness. As he was pushed in the car, Bruce wondered exactly why he ever thought anyone but Joker could understand him.

The process was boring. Bruce stopped listening halfway through the list of crimes he had apparently committed. He had tried reasoning with the people - telling them he did it all to fight the crime in Gotham - but they didn't listen to him. Yet another thing Joker had been right about, he mused. When they need you, you're the hero. When they stop needing you, you're the freak. The familiar mix of lust, hate and affection he felt when he thought about Joker filled him, making him smile.

«Mr. Wayne, have you heard anything of what we said?» the judge asked. Bruce turned toward the man. He wondered what face would he make if he killed him.

«I'm afraid not» he answered.

«Mr. Wayne, given the situation you are in-»

«-I should be listening, blah blah blah, I know. It wouldn't make any difference, I know you're sending me to Arkham Asylum anyway. Just... Can I ask you something?» Bruce started polishing his nails. He really had no idea of why he even attended this. Life-sentence at Arkham was the only possible sentence. Too bad he would understand how to escape in no more than two weeks. Well, maybe he would stay a bit longer, just to make sure no one expected him to leave.

«What would that be?» the judge said, suspicious.

«Can you give me the biggest room you have in there?» Bruce asked sweetly. The judge looked confused «So if you catch Joker before I escape we could share. It has to be a boring place, some company would be appreciated. Oh, and don't bother with the lubricant» he added «Saliva will be enough, Joker likes it rough» Bruce laughed at everyone's scandalized expression, and he turned his head a little to wink at one man in the back row of the courtroom - the one who was in the shadowed corner, make-up not covering entirely the scars on his mouth.


	3. Anniversary

**"Author'"s note: **I like how this turned out. Yep. Maybe the end could be a bit better but I think it's really nice. From this you can understand that my standards are like hella low. After last chapter's attempt at angst I needed something a bit more relaxed. So the angsty bits are in there too but they're a bit less. And I also have no clue what this has to do with the prompt. Yet, I'm proud of it. Read, enjoy, and if you please let me know what you think about it I'll be grateful for all fucking eternity.

**Disclaimer: **Batman is not mine, I make no money from this, ecc...

**Prompt:****_ Anniversary_**

**Rating: T**

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><p>«I was thinking»<p>

«You think too much» Bruce smiled at Joker's interruption, the clown's head resting on his chest.

«I was thinking I know what you look like without your make-up, but you've never seen me without my cowl» he said. Joker turned a bit to look at him in the eyes. It was one of those rare nights when they met not for "business reasons", as Joker put it, but just to have mind-blowing sex and enjoy each other's company (even if neither of them would ever admit it). They were lying in a bed for once, in a recently abandoned flat Joker found. For once the clown had his face clear of any trace of paint. He looked younger like this.

«So?» Joker asked.

«Doesn't it bother you?» right now, the cowl felt strangely heavy on Bruce's head. He had never once took it off, not even when they fucked.

«No, not really»

«I remember you used to want me take this off and show the world who I really was»

«Not anymore. Besides, it's kind of hot having you like this, all naked except from the mask» Joker licked a hickey he had made earlier on Batman's collarbone.

«Kinky» Joker chuckled.

«Said the man who gets turned on by beating his nemesis to a pulp» he said, sinking teeth ghosting over the mark.

«If I'm not mistaken said nemesis enjoys being beaten just a little too much» Bruce commented, sighing as Joker's tongue ran across his chest. Their discussion was soon forgotten as they both decided there was something better to do right now.

Bruce slammed Joker against a wall, their mouths clashing together. The clown put his legs around Bruce's waist, letting Batman support all of his weight. Bruce just moved his mouth lower to suck on the jester's neck, the skin vibrating as Joker laughed.

«Eager, Batsy?» he sighed, moaning as teeth sunk, leaving a mark. Joker never tried to hid any of the hickeys Batman gave him, rather he enjoyed it when people looked at them. Sometimes he told hostages who looked too long stories on who left those marks, but never the truth. Just once he actually said it had been Batman, but it was labeled as just another lie between the many. It seemed like he preferred speaking of them rather than of his scars, probably because hearing about one's sex life disturbed some people more than gory stories. Bruce had decided a long time ago that often normal people are stranger than psychopaths.

Joker's fingers ran over Bruce's neck. He barely felt them because of the armor, and not for the first time he wondered how would it be to have them running on his skin and between his hair. Unable to control himself, he put one hand behind his head to take off the cowl. Joker saw what he was doing and stopped his movements.

«Don't do it!» he screamed. Bruce was perplexed.

«Why not?»

«Just don't! Go away now!» Joker pushed Bruce away. But he didn't back off. He knew the clown had huge problems talking about what he thought or wanted other than when it concerned crimes, and Bruce could understand him, but he also wanted Joker to trust him.

«Joker. What's the matter?» he asked. The clown trashed for a while, before giving up trying to escape.

«Why do you care?» he spat instead.

«I... I just do. I just want to understand» Bruce said.

«You can't understand me!» Joker shouted «You can't!»

«Weren't you the one who said something about completing each other and so on?» Bruce growled.

«I didn't... It's just...» Joker seemed to have troubles finding the right words, which was really unusual for him.

«Just tell me why you don't want me to take off the mask, then I'll let you go» Bruce murmured, using his real voice. It always had a strange effect on Joker, making him somehow tense and relaxed at the same time.

«I don't want to see your face» Joker surrendered.

«Why?»

«Because it wouldn't be you!» Joker's face was a mask of anger «You are this, the freak who runs around at night dressed as a bat, not whoever it is that's under that mask. I don't want to see it»

«You're afraid» Bruce said. Joker's words were confused, but he could understand what he was trying to say. He had been nervous too the first time he saw Joker without his make-up. And the man was the same person with and without paint, while Batman and Bruce Wayne were two fucking completely different beings.

«I'm not afraid»

«You are» Joker started trashing again.

«Let me go» Bruce let him.

If two days later Bruce felt a pang of guilt stronger than ever when the news showed that Joker had killed three people, he didn't let it show.

«Next week it'll be one year since we started... this» Bruce growled, Joker's hair brushing against his lips as the clown turned.

«You're _so_ sweet Batman, reminding me of that while you're threatening to let me fall from the tenth floor of a building» Joker said, hinting with his head at gap in front of him, Batman's grip being the only thing to keep him from falling.

«We could do something»

«If I end up as clown jam we won't be doing anything at all»

«If you didn't assault innocent people in the street you wouldn't be in this situation»

«If I didn't assault innocent people in the street you wouldn't be fucking me twice a week» Bruce had to chuckle lightly at the answer. Still, he was pissed about Joker's behavior and wasn't going to let him stay with some ground under his feet for a while. They both knew he'd never let the clown fall, but he had to keep up appearances. And to make him understand that no, threatening people with a knife was totally not a good thing.

«I could take you out for dinner» Bruce suggested.

«Batman and Joker walk into a restaurant, sounds to me like the worst joke ever» Joker commented, pressing closer to Bruce's still form. And God, he had to stop moving his ass like that or any self-control Bruce had would be gone in five minutes.

«I don't think that'd be a good idea. Maybe you could come at my place?» Joker stilled «Trust me, it'd be worth it»

«Maybe you didn't get the memo» Joker interrupted angrily «I. Don't. Want. To. Know. Your. Fucking. Secret. Identity»

«I got that memo» Bruce sighed, stepping back and allowing Joker to stand on his own «But I don't want to hide it from you»

«And where does this emotional outburst come from?» Joker snorted.

«I don't know»

«Make it go back there then!»

«I trust you, Joker» Joker took a deep breath and licked his lips. Bruce knew the clown wasn't used to hear this words, that having someone's trust with something so important was new to him «I'm not saying we start telling each other all of our darkest secrets, but I just... feel the need of doing this»

«You're nuts Batman» Joker murmured, shaking his head. Bruce knew he probably was, but he didn't care. This... thing he and Joker had was becoming important to him, more than he could've ever thought when he first gave in to his attraction to the clown. It scared him shitless, to know that Joker was becoming such a big part of his life. But he also wanted to somehow seal this thing. Bruce could understand how Joker felt, for once being certain of what crossed the jester's mind. Joker was as scared as him, maybe even more, by his feelings, whatever they were. But Joker wasn't someone who got scared, his contorted mind hadn't had a place for that emotion for too long. He didn't know how to react, and Bruce just wanted to help him overcome his fear.

«Please» the word seemed to do the work, because Joker bit his lower lip and then sighed in surrender.

«Fine. I guess I'll see you in a week. You drive»

Bruce couldn't say he wasn't scared. He had told Alfred about what he wanted to do, and the butler had looked upset about his decision, but in the end he had understood. The old man had assured him if Bruce wanted to keep this relationship going, he wouldn't stop him. Now the billionaire was sitting in the Batmobile, as everyone insisted to call it, in a quiet place of Gotham, waiting for Joker to show up.

He didn't have to stay there for long. He heard a knock against the car and opened it, Joker jumping in the seat next to his.

«Soooo... you like?» Joker asked. His make-up was far better than usual, the paint spread without smears and the hair completely dyed green. Bruce would have liked his lover? partner? whatever, to come with his true face, but he couldn't really blame him. Besides, Joker looked fabulous when he put some effort in his make-up.

«Yes» Bruce turned on the car and took a secondary route that allowed him not to be spotted. The drive was quiet, and Bruce realized Joker had closed his eyes after a while. He doubted the man could be asleep by how tense he looked, and he smiled inwardly. He never thought he would ever describe Joker as "cute", but here he was.

Joker only re-opened his eyes when he felt the car stopping, Bruce looking at him. He shrugged and made a show of yawning.

«Must've fallen asleep» he mumbled. Bruce didn't buy it, but he stayed silent.

«I'm going to change. You can look around, but try to avoid touching anything» Joker laughed and looked around.

«I have to say Batsy, your Batcave is really really nice. Do they bite?» he pointed at the bats on the top of the cave.

«Not as long as you don't bother them» Bruce answered, walking away. He took off his costume in record time, dressing with a suit instead. He hesitated while taking off the cowl, before sending his indecision to hell and putting it away with the rest. He adjusted his shirt and went back to check on Joker.

As he suspected, the clown had started rummaging around his things. He smiled and leaned against a wall. He did trust Joker, but not that much to let him take a good look at everything. Bruce and Alfred had hidden most of his gadgets, leaving only batrangs or other stuff you didn't really have problems making at home.

«Found anything interesting?» Bruce asked, dropping his Batman voice. Joker turned around and his eyes widened a little, before letting out a laugh Bruce would only describe as nervous.

«Bruce Wayne, now it all makes sense» Joker said «I always thought you had to be a rich one to keep all your bat-stuff, but this is _way_ more rich than I thought»

«Sorry to disappoint you» Bruce answered, walking toward Joker.

«I may start stealing just from you then» Joker purred. To everyone the man would've looked at ease (or as at ease as Joker could ever be), but Bruce could see the man was trying to lessen the tension.

«What makes you think I'll let you?» Bruce asked, his face mere centimeters from Joker's now. He could see Joker's pupils darting between his lips and his eyes «Something you like?»

«Yeah, you're not bad» Joker commented, his hand coming behind Bruce's neck, pulling him down for a kiss. When they parted some of Joker's lipstick was on Bruce's lips, but he really didn't care at the moment.

«What about we go up» he breathed «Have dinner, hear my butler complaining about my choices and then I show you my bedroom?»

«Seems like a good plan to me Bat- Brucey» Joker corrected himself. Bruce smirked and leaned forward so his lips was pressing against Joker's ear..

«Good anniversary» he whispered.

«You're getting too romantic these days» Joker huffed, pushing Bruce away.

«Let's talk about that once we get to the bedroom part of the program. I reckon you like handcuffs» Bruce winked and Joker frowned a little.

«Are you always so flirty when you get that thing off?» Joker asked, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly.

«I haven't even started» Bruce teased «You have all evening to find out»


	4. Voyeur

**"Author'"s note: **This is short. Like, hella short. All of my stories start out short, and right now I don't wanna spend time making it longer. Shame on me. I'm lazy, it's a bad day and if this sucks, I'm not making it better. Sorry. Also because I had absolutely no clue what to do for this prompt and this is the only thing my mind gave me. Btw, I wrote half of this on the bus coming home from school. Thank God no one pays attention to me, or it would have been the most awkward thing ever.

**Disclaimer:**Batman is not mine

**Prompt: ****_Voyeur_**

**Rating: M**

* * *

><p>Joker had long since stopped listening to whatever these officers where asking him. He picked up the words "monster" and "answer me" every now and then, but he didn't really caring. This interrogatory had been going on for <em>six<em> hours. Six hours of this utter boredom. It'd been nice to annoy the officers for a while, but by now he had already insulted them in any way he could think of. Well, not nearly half of the ways he could think of, actually, but it was getting pointless.

The door opened and Gordon's face appeared. Man, let it be Batman coming to beat him all the way through the next six hours, at least that was something he _enjoyed_. Both cops stand and walked out of the room and _yes, it was Batsy._

«Look who stopped by to see me» Joker greeted, his smile widening.

«What's your plan Joker?» Batman growled, and if that voice didn't do things to him. Pity the man always went for the boring questions first, after six hours Joker really needed a good fuck.

«What are you talking about?» he asked, playing along.

«You stole chemical weapons, what are you doing with them?» Batman said. Joker shrugged, smirking as he saw Batman becoming more and more upset. The Bat came near the table and he punched him. Straight in the face. Joker bit back a groan, the pain radiating from his cheek to all his nerves.

«You know this doesn't work with me Batsy. Unless» he licked his lips «It's something else you want to do with me» Batman clenched his fists, Joker pleased with himself for irritating the dark knight in less than two minutes.

Instead of hitting him again, Batman put one chair to block the door and went to the glass to pull down the blinds. Joker watched him, curious, as the Bat turned off the camera in the corner and the tape recorder. He then freed Joker's wrists from the cuffs, only to tie them again, behind the chair this time. Joker pulled at the restraint.

«So? You're going to fuck me here in some strange position with all the officers out there?» Joker teased, leaning back in his chair. He had the distinct feeling that was exactly what was going to happen.

«The officers aren't going to bother us. And that's not entirely correct» Batman said, lowering his voice a bit more and _fuck_, how did the man do that? If that voice went down another bit, it was going to make a hole in the floor «I'm making you watch» Joker blinked, not sure of what he had just heard.

Batman opened the lower part of the armor and sat on the only remaining chair in the room. He took out his already hardening cock, and Joker licked his lips. The Bat was sitting so his dick was in Joker's direct line of vision. Joker remembered how that cock felt buried in his ass, and his own gave a twitch of interest.

«The deal is simple» Batman said «You tell me what you are doing with the weapons, I make you come»

«I knew you where kinky, but this is on new levels even for us» Joker murmured, eyes fixed on Batman's cock. The man spat on his black gloved hand and wrapped it around himself. He started to pump, slowly, twisting his wrist with every stroke. His cock started to respond soon, making Joker's harden in turn. The clown tried to lean forward without even meaning to, but having his hands cuffed behind his back made the maneuver quite difficult. Batman didn't miss his move and smirked.

«Interested Joker?» he asked, rubbing his thumb over his head «I told you the rules of the game. You speak, I... lend you a hand with something» Batman's eyes were fixed on Joker's trousers, and the clown was sure there was a very noticeable bulge in them by now.

«You bastard» he hissed. Batman knew him too well. Pain? It wasn't a problem. He enjoyed it too much, as Batsy had discovered soon after they started fighting. Appeal to his humanity or sense of justice? _Please_. Promises of shortened sentences? He didn't care how many years of jail they gave him, he could always figure out how to escape. But _this_ was something he wasn't prepared for. He could endure any kind of physical and mental torture, but seeing Batman jerking off in front of him and being unable to do _anything_ was worst than anything.

«You know» Batman said relatively casually, like he didn't have an hand around his cock «Having you tied there and watching me is kind of nice. Of course, touching you would be a lot better, but it's still a big turn on»

«Fuck you!» Joker spat. He should have never let Batman understand just how much he liked it when the vigilante talked dirty. Actually, no, the more Batman knew about his responses the better sex Joker had. But doing it _now _wasn't fair at all!

«I thought you preferred the other way around, but I'm open to new experiences. Maybe after you use your mouth for a good purpose, and no, I don't mean a blowjob» Batman let his head fall back a little, his hand never changing its rhythm. The man had started moving his hips slightly in time with his strokes. There was a barely there smirk on Batsy's face that let Joker knew that yes, he was enjoying this situation very much.

«Are you sure you don't want that?» Joker asked. Batman had had his fun playing with him, but he needed to remember _who_ was the best at manipulative games here «Because I wouldn't really mind sucking you off. You know my gag reflex doesn't exist, don't you?» Joker smirked as Batman's hand accelerated for a second, before going back to his original pace.

«Then I suppose I'll let you do that after you talk» Batman growled.

«Talk about what? About what I'll do when you get here? Well, I'll take you deep, deep in my throat, swallow you whole, and then I'll get back until just the head of your cock is my mouth, give it a quick lick and then deep throat you again, and so on, until you come» Joker grinned as Batman groaned, the vigilante's hand now going definitely _faster_, his hips bucking.

«Nice try, Joker» he said «But you see, if I come before you told me what I want to know, I go away and you stay like that» Joker's grin disappeared. His cock was basically _aching_, he _needed_ Batsy to make him come so hard he couldn't see straight. He swallowed as he saw the Bat's thumb spreading a drop of pre-come on the head of his cock, and then his other hand went down to cup his balls, rolling them between his fingers. He moaned.

«Fine» Joker hissed «I'm keeping the weapons to sell them to the best offerer, but with a little modification so their effects would become unpredictable and I'll even tell you who wants to buy them if you just come here and _fuck me_» business be damned, he needed Batsy's hands on him right _now_.

«You are unreasonable after all» Batman said, and if a smug grin could be heard, then Joker heard it. But he didn't care, because his Bat was walking got up and walked towards him and yanked his pants down, the clown moaning as his cock sprung free. Batman wrapped his hand, the one that he wasn't using to jerk off, around Joker and the clown moaned loudly, thrusting up. It was dry, and the gloves clearly weren't made for this kind of things, but Joker just loved the way it felt.

The clown came in a minute, with a loud scream. Batman followed him soon, his orgasm quieter, just a groan and the frantic move of his hips. They stayed there without moving until Batsy regained his breath and cleaned them somehow. Joker didn't really care, he was feeling too good, leaning back in the chair with his eyes closed. He protested as Batman forcefully pulled up his trousers. Opening his eyes, he noticed that there was no clue at all of their activities.

«You make a great maid Batman, anyone ever told you that?»

«No, not really» Batman said, walking out of the room like nothing had happened. Joker huffed. This wasn't the way of leaving someone you just gave a handjob, not at all. Especially if the someone was still pissed for your teasing. Oh, well. There were hundreds of ways Joker could get some revenge on Batsy.


	5. Lipstick and Bruises

**"Author'"s note: **just an excuse to clarify to anyone who still hadn't got it, it's my headcanon that Joker gives awesome blowjobs. Yes, I put smut in this chapter too. I hope I'm not repeating myself too much. Enjoy the stupid smut.

**Disclaimer: **not mine

**Prompt:**_** Lipstick & bruises**_

**Rating: M  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Bruce was probably nuts to even think something like this, but Joker sometimes was really an understanding person. Well, the list of reason he was probably nuts was pretty long and included being a vigilante, going around dressed as a bat and being in a somehow-not-so-unhealty relationship with a psychopathic murderer, but this was the last thing added to the list.<p>

Joker never needed nor wanted a secret identity. The face paint was only there because he liked it, otherwise he would have just committed all of his crimes with his "normal" face. So he never actually got why Bruce kept his identity a secret, and he repeated it almost on daily basis. But he seemed to be ok with, and he said he rather enjoyed seeing as Bruce separated completely Bruce Wayne and Batman. Something about "you're so good at lying, we wouldn't want this talent to be wasted". Bruce wasn't sure what to take of that, but since Joker sometimes even suggested him ways to keep up his cover, he never questioned him.

There was, however, the little "playboy" issue. To look as much as the stereotyped billionaire as he could, Bruce slept with a huge number of women (and men, sometimes). It had always been an act, and while he did get pleasure from his one night stands, he usually exaggerated a bit with his moans. After getting "together" with Joker, even the physical attraction he felt for those people had vanished. The simple idea of sleeping with them was awful, and he would do anything to end it now. But he couldn't stop all of a sudden with his playboy attitude, the media would know and they would talk. More than usual.

After a long conversation with Joker, they had decided that Bruce would just gradually sleep with less and less people, until it was safe to just stop and let everyone believe he had become more mature, or get some kind STD or whatever people wanted to believe. In the meantime, Bruce always let Joker know when he was going to get laid with someone who wasn't him. First because he thought it was correct to do so, second because otherwise Joker would get jealous and pissed and a jealous and pissed Joker was one of the worst thing that could happen to Gotham. The clown would still get very possessive and upset every time Bruce had one night stands, but at least he didn't blow up buildings full of people. Well, mostly.

«Who is it?» Joker hissed, sitting on the bed and glaring at Bruce.

«Some model. Brunette, skinny, you know the type» Bruce said in an apologetic tone, trying to find a decent suit. He had insisted that Alfred didn't have to tell him everything about what he had to wear at this so-called parties, and now he was regretting it. He just hoped that tie matched the color of the jacket.

«Can I kill her?»

«No» there was a moment of silence, before Joker walked up behind him and put his hands on his shoulders, licking at the base of Bruce's neck.

«You're mine» the clown whispered.

«Of course» Bruce said, turning around. The Joker pulled him down for a deep kiss, his teeth drawing blood from Bruce's lower lip.

«She has to know that too»

«That I'm yours?» Bruce asked, letting his head fall back as Joker left a trail of bites and kisses on his neck. Bruce was wearing only his trousers, and Joker licked over all of his bruises and wounds. He bit sharply, making Bruce gasp, and sucked a mark on his chest.

«That you're taken» Joker licked his way down Bruce's chest and abdomen, getting on his knees, and opened the billionaire's zipper. He took out Bruce's cock and started licking it, teasing Bruce and making him try to get more contact. It was always denied.

«Joker, please...» he moaned, putting his hands in the clown's hair and trying to make him stop with the teasing.

«You're mine, mine, mine, mine» Joker hissed, and made his teeth scrape against Bruce's cock.

«Yes, yours, now _please_ Joker, just please, stop teasing» Joker resisted the firm push of Bruce's hands on his head, instead turning up to meet the billionaire's eyes.

«Say it again» he said.

«I'm yours Joker, yours, not anyone else's, just yours» Bruce said. Joker nodded and mouthed a "mine", before finally taking Bruce in his mouth. Bruce groaned at the familiar heat, struggling to keep his hips from bucking. The clown took his time, moving his head slowly and making Bruce go mad with frustration, but Bruce didn't complain. He knew he had to let Joker tease him, it was only fair since he had to sleep with some dull women, and even if it was just some kind of obligation he still felt bad, like he was cheating on Joker. So he let the clown do as he wanted, moaning and groaning almost desperately, but he forced his hips to stay still and his hands to not push Joker down on him.

When he finally came, Joker swallowing everything, Bruce's knees gave out and he found himself sitting on the ground, completely limp and boneless, Joker sitting right next to him. He had just ten seconds to regain his breath, before Joker leant down and bit on his ribs, making Bruce groan at the sensation on his over-sensitized skin.

«Your turn» Bruce smiled at the remark and forced his muscles to make him move. He opened Joker's pants and bent to take the man's cock in his mouth, hearing him moan. Joker was always so loud during sex, like in everything else he did. Bruce did his best, enjoying the feeling of Joker's cock in his mouth, the noises the jester made after every action. He tried to deep throat him, managing to do so only so much before gagging. He would never understand how Joker managed to completely destroy any kind of gag reflex.

Bruce felt Joker's moans become louder and louder, the flesh in his mouth pulsating, and pulled back as the clown came. He managed to swallow somehow, and right after Joker literally collapsed over him. Bruce laughed.

«Can I get myself a bit tidied up?» he asked, earning a grunt. He extricated himself from under Joker and went to his previous activity of getting dressed.

«Suit's in that drawer» Joker mumbled, pointing somewhere in the room. Bruce nodded, before noticing something.

«Your lipstick is on my dick»

«Flash news, when I give you a blowjob my lipstick stays on your dick»

«The thing is that it doesn't get away» Joker grinned at him «Joker?»

«It'll stay there for a while. Just a remainder of me for the evening» Bruce opened his mouth, torn between being pissed and amused, before realizing something and looking at himself in the mirror.

«Joker» he groaned, hearing a chuckle. He had lipstick stains also on his chest, especially on the new hickey that was becoming quite visible «I already get questioned enough for all the bruises I have, did you really need to do it?»

«Yes» Joker got up from the floor «I'm jealous. And when you get home, trust me, you'll get more hickeys than you do in a month»


	6. Be my Valentine

**"Author"'s note: **happy Valentine Day to everyone! I'm not really into this Valentine thing, but if you like it I hope you'll have a great day. And here's my one-shot for Joker asking Batman out on Valentine. Kinda lame, but I did my best this time. Oh, and in case someone still had doubts, I happily ignore things that actually happened in the movies, so if I want to believe Gordon didn't smash the projector on the rooftop at the end of Dark Knight, I do it

**Disclaimer: **_so _not mine

**Prompt:**_** Be my Valentine**_

**Rating: K**

* * *

><p>Bruce knew the Joker was planning something. He had known it for a while, and watching the news just made him more sure of it. The clown had robbed a bank today, terrorizing all the employers who had been took hostage for almost three hours. Most of the hostages were in shock, the place devastated by Joker's explosives and as usual the clown had managed to escape right under the nose of the SWAT. Joker's typical behavior. Still, Bruce knew something was off.<p>

First of all, no one had been killed. While it was a relief knowing that other than a big scare and some bruises everyone was fine, it wasn't in the Joker's style. He was a sadist - he liked inflicting pain, loved it, and the years had demonstrated that. So the fact that no one was killed or tortured was weird, not to mention it was the fourth time it happened. And it wasn't just that he decided he had better things to do, he had _made sure_ no one got seriously hurt. His men were armed, yet the only bullets someone took were in a relatively "safe" zone - no mortal wounds. And if he had made something explode, then he had done it when he was sure no one would get injured.

Second, all Joker was doing recently was damaging some other criminal. Batman actually got to catch Black Mask thanks to the fact Joker had blown out his hideout and forced him to come out. The mafia had suffered a couple bad blows too, and Bruce was sure the palace Joker destroyed last week had some connections to Gotham's criminals too. This wasn't strange per se, Joker loved teasing and annoying all the other big bosses in the city, apparently he found it exciting. But this was getting out of hand. In less than a month other five bounties for Joker's head had appeared, according to Batman's sources, and this was a record even for the clown.

Bruce sighed as he leaned back on his chair. If Joker had something in his mind it wasn't good for anyone. And judging by this chaos, it was something big. Bruce's first though would've been about wanting to be the only big threat in Gotham, but this was Joker, who had said hundreds of times that playing with Gotham's other criminal was one of the funniest things around. Bruce knew Joker didn't get rid of his toys so abruptly - the proof being that the jester could probably think of hundreds of ways to kill Batman without problems, and yet here he was.

Batman was on his usual patrol when he saw that Gordon had turned on the projector on his roof. He frowned under the cowl. He had the police line under surveillance and he hadn't heard anything serious yet. Gordon wasn't one to just ask him to drop by and say hello, so this was suspicious.

When Batman arrived, the situation on the rooftop was almost surreal. Joker - yes, Joker - was sitting pretty on the side of the projector, while Gordon and probably all the men he could find had their guns pointed at the clown, who looked vaguely annoyed at the situation. Batman wasn't exactly sure of what was happening, also because apparently someone (probably Joker) had put heart-shaped adhesives on the bat shape in the middle of the projector. Oh, and the clown wasn't wearing a shirt. Bruce couldn't think of a single possible reason anyone would want to be around shirtless on February by night.

«I told you to put your hands in the air!» Gordon was shouting, his face impassible. The same couldn't be said of the other officers. Half of them looked like they were about to piss themselves.

«You're such a bore Commissioner, every time I see you I'm reminded of why I never play with the police» Joker commented lightly.

«Do as I say!»

«Nope»

«It's an order!» Joker huffed and kicked the projector.

«What part of "I'm not taking orders from you" you don't understand?» he whined.

«Do it or we will shot you» Gordon replied.

«You wouldn't» just as Gordon looked about to make truth to his words, Bruce decided he'd had enough and walked out o the shadows.

«What is happening here?» he growled.

«BATSY! How sweet of you to come here!» Joker jumped down the projector and walked towards Batman. The officers still kept their guns pointed at him, but let him pass. «I hope you enjoy the modifications I put on that thing» in a corner, there was a can of green phosphorescent paint Joker had used to draw hearts also on the sides of the projector.

«What do you want Joker?» Batman preferred using a direct approach instead of answering. This was getting to complete new level of weird.

«Why are you so mean Batsy? I just wanted to make you happy» Joker ran his tongue on his lips. To a closer examination, it looked like instead of the usual black circles around his eyes he had used his make-up to draw a black bat that covered his eyes and half of his forehead.

«For some reason I doubt that» Batman replied. Joker was just a couple metres away from him now, and Bruce eyes moved on their own volition, zeroing on the clown's bare chest. Joker was thin, but not too much. He had less than half the muscles Bruce had, and his six-pack wasn't exactly defined, but he was kind of hot anyway. Bruce tore his eyes away, thanking his cowl and the darkness that his blush. This thing he had for Joker needed to stop. He forced his gaze to stay on the clown's face, cursing himself as he wondered how would the scar texture feel on his tongue. The worst part was that, judging by his smug look, Joker knew exactly what he was thinking about.

«See anything you like?» the jester purred - yes, he fucking _purred_.

«No» Bruce lied. Joker laughed.

«You're cute when you're embarassed» Batman blinked. No one called him cute even when he was Bruce, let alone when he was Batman.

«I don't know what happened, we just found him on the roof like this» Gordon piped in, like he was apologizing for something.

«Look Batman» Joker continued, ignoring the Commissioner «I say we make a little deal. I'll let you catch me and throw me in whatever prison you want without making resistance, ok?»

«And what would you gain from that kind of deal?» Batman growled, not trusting the Joker at all.

«Will you be my Valentine?» Joker asked, putting on the most innocent expression he could manage.

«What?» Bruce asked. He must have heard wrong.

«Will. You. Be. My. Valentine» Joker huffed, seeing that Batman gave no signs of answering anything coherent «Look. I've been good all month. No kills, no torture, keeping getting into other criminal's ways, I know you're smart enough to notice. I'll even let you take me to Arkham if you want to, just be my Valentine. You know, 14th February, does that ring any bells? Tomorrow night, we meet around and just spend the time with each other»

«You've spent a month trying to please me and now you're letting me catch you because you want me to be your Valentine» Bruce repeated, dumbfounded.

«Yes» Bruce took a deep breath. This was a bad idea on so many levels. But it was true, the jester had behaved, and it wasn't like he had any appointment on Valentine's Day. Bruce was always careful to not invite anyone to be his Valentine, since it was too romantic for the playboy image he had to keep up, so he didn't even have to explain anyone why he was leaving them. He couldn't believe he was actually thinking about accepting, but it wasn't like he would've believed this if he wasn't here to witness it.

«And you won't destroy, robber or kill in the meantime?» Bruce asked. Joker shrugged.

«I'm bored as hell, but I suppose I can refrain myself for a bit longer. Whatever you want Batsy»

«I... I suppose it's fine» Bruce said, still not believing what he was accepting to do. Joker grinned.

«I knew there was a reason if you're my favourite enemy. Let's meet here at 10 pm, ok? Now excuse me, I have to go get my beauty sleep» Joker said, casually walking away between the shocked cops.

«Did that just happen?» Gordon asked as Joker went down the emergency stairs.

«Yes» Bruce answered, feeling very awkward. Everyone was staring at him.

«So... we won't disturb you I suppose. God, I need a drink after this» the Commissioner groaned and headed down in the building, followed by a group of very confused police officers. Bruce just found himself hoping that Joker was open to... physical tiring ways to spend the evening.


	7. In the end, it's just you and me

**"Author"'s note: **last chapter. Wow, I think it's like the first time ever I complete a fic that's longer than three chapters. A big thanks to everyone who reviewed, followed or put in the favorites. Anywho, enjoy

**Disclaimer:**not mine

**Prompt:**_** In the end, it's just you & me**_

**Rating: K+**

* * *

><p>It didn't matter how long their relationship lasted, Alfred had always been wary of Joker. Bruce couldn't blame him - not really, not after all the things Joker had done. Bruce himself was suspicious sometimes, and every time he would be proved wrong and feel guilty for thinking that Joker may have had some kind of sick plan to break him or something. He had told the clown that, and Joker had laughed until he had tears in his eyes. He said that Bruce was not a complete idiot, and only an idiot would trust him without reserve.<p>

They say when you have a crush on someone, this someone looks perfect to you. It's when you fall for them that you realize they're not perfect, but you learn to accept and love even their flaws. Bruce was never one to do things like others did.

He used to see Joker as nothing but a monster. A murderous psychopath whose greatest pleasure was to cause pain to people in any form. He used to hate him with all his heart. After Rachel's death, he couldn't even see someone with wearing make-up without thinking about Joker, about all the things that freak took away from him. As time passed, Bruce started to see that Joker was not all evil. It was just physical attraction at first, but then it had escalated. Joker was smart, full of talents, capable of actually being funny and of course, never boring. Bruce learnt that Joker was not a monster, but just another man.

Now, Bruce didn't see a maniac. He saw a lunatic, a danger to society and a sadist, of course, but also the person that lied underneath it. Not that he would ever try to erase the superficial layers. Most people would want to cure Joker, but Bruce knew better. There was nothing to cure. Joker was like made that way, and Bruce would never take anything but that.

There were hundreds of things Bruce could never forgive Joker for, the killing and the torture and everything else. Rachel was at the top of the list. The anniversary of her death Bruce always tended to stay far from Joker. The clown had tried to stick with him anyway at first, only to have Bruce yelling at him for every single thing he did. Now he just pouted and went somewhere to have fun. But Bruce saw now, that Rachel could have never been anything but his friend. She had wanted Bruce to change, to stop being Batman, and he could never do that. Joker, on the other side, had liked Batman before knowing who was the man under the cowl, and after discovering it, he had just accepted him. The only time Bruce had asked him if Joker wanted him to stop being Batman, the clown had looked at him in his eyes, serious for once, and told him that if he even tried then he'd stick a knife in his ribcage. Bruce had smiled and reassured him he would never stop, and Joker had muttered a "good".

As much as Bruce hated to admit it, he would never ask Joker to change. Hurt less people, yes, but for some reason he couldn't see himself with a Joker that wasn't making bombs and playing cruel pranks and be the criminal he was. He needed his nemesis as much as he needed Batman. Being in a relationship with your worst enemy did have some problems, like the fact that most of their arguments led to Joker sinking a ship or something like that, which led to Bruce being even more angry and beating Joker until he couldn't see straight while trying to not get stabbed. They usually forgave each other then, unless the reason of the argument or the consequences of it were too much bloodshed. In those cases, Bruce handed Joker to the authorities and then wait until the clown escaped, occasionally dragging him out of jail himself if it was too hard for Joker to do it by himself. It was probably the weirdest relationship ever, but it worked.

One time, Joker said the first thing he thought when he met Batman was that the man was his new favourite toy, the one that despite all the games he played would never break, the one he'd never throw away nor get tired of. Joker was a very flirty person, but his compliments were usually ironic or made for a precise reason. Bruce remembered all of those rare moments the clown ever told him something seriously, and that was probably one of the best things Joker ever said to him.

Bruce knew there would be a day he'd be too old to keep on being Batman. Everyone ages, and he was not an exception. He knew old age would not stop him anyways. That the only thing that could ever stop Batman was dying. And that was probably going to happen by the hand of some criminal. There would be a day no one would stand up for Gotham like he did. But until that day, Bruce would make sure he could throw in a cell as much criminals as he could.

He was surprised when Joker offered to help him. He was wary at first, but then the clown explained that he was never going to stop spreading chaos around, so why not doing it where it could damage some other criminal? Batman and Joker never actually got in business togheter, but more often than not Joker made sure his trail of destruction hit some other big boss of Gotham's criminal underworld. It created the clown a lot of enemies, but Joker didn't care at all. Still, Bruce wasn't sure that Joker was doing this just for the reason he told him. And it wasn't.

It was only after years that Joker finally admitted why he was helping Batman. He knew that Bruce would end up killed, too. And he knew there was nothing he could do to stop it. Everyone dies, he said. But he also said that if they managed to bring down as many criminals as they could, Batman's only big foe would be Joker himself. And Joker wanted to be the one to kill Batman.

Bruce didn't understand at first, but then it became clear. Joker had been alone for all his life, and not knowing any other way of living, he hadn't missed the company. But now he knew how it was to be with someone he loved and he didn't want to be alone again after Bruce's death. If anyone else killed him, Joker would seek revenge, but by then he'd be old too and probably unable to do so. But if he was the one to kill Batman, he could do it and then put a bullet between his eyes.

Bruce yelled at him, saying that he didn't want Joker to do that. In the end, they made a deal. When the end would come, that both of them were too old to keep on being the Dark Night and the Prince of Clowns, they'd kill each other. Bruce hated the thought of having to kill Joker, but the clown told him that dying by his hand was the best way he could think of to die. Batman would break his only rule for the first and last time, and Joker would let himself be killed and, as he put it, do the first altruistic thing of his all life by freeing Gotham of his worst criminal. Bruce didn't like it, but Joker had insisted until he could do nothing but promise him.

But until the day when they'd be the last one standing of their generations of criminals and heroes of Gotham, Bruce tried not to think about it. He just let himself be content of having Joker with him, their hair starting to grey and their faces to show how old they were becoming. The Day would come, but it was still far.

If Bruce had to be honest, he'd admit he thought the first thing Alfred, who passed away due to his age, would tell him in the afterlife, seeing as Joker had finally killed him, would be:

«I told you so»


End file.
